We are not communicating

We are not communicating

My Husband & I. are not communicating. lack of intimacy. No romance and even less sex than ever. He keeps stonewalling. All the time. Daily. We only speak what’s necessary, usually comment about the news, work and other issues not related to us as a couple. The way we relate to each other.  Everything there is to know. Is this normal, is there somebody else, what’s really going on?  Signed It’sMeAgain, age 40

Dear It’sMeAgain, Yes, this is more normal than most couples would admit.  Over time people get lost in their own thoughts and miss out on the opportunity to communicate on a deeper level with their partner.  Here are some thoughts for you to consider.

1.Your partner may be experiencing depression and therefore has no energy or interest in anything else.  Depression is quite common for adult men as they age.  He may be having problems with functioning well sexually and that leads to more disappointment in himself and the depression takes over.

2. I would suggest you set up a meeting with him where there is no interruption.  Please read our article Express and Own Your Feelings before having this meeting. Keep the meeting short and to the point and only discuss the idea that you feel he may be experiencing some depression and ask if he thinks that is true.  Suggest that he see the family physician.  Offer your help and assistance in anyway he would like.

3. Don’t accuse or point the finger.  Approach him in the most loving way possible and show concern and empathy.  For now, assume it is depression and don’t take anything personally.

Depression is very treatable.  There is also a great herb over the counter called St. John’s Wort that can help lighten the depression and allow the person to start feeling again.  Check with you Doctor about this even if your husband doesn’t want to see a doctor himself.  When a person is depressed it is very difficult for them to take any kind of action themselves and you may have to do it for him.

For now I would suggest you approach this problem as depression and see what happens from there.


Please understand you have free will.  This advice is given only in the realm of personal growth and self-help. This is not to be considered a substitute for therapy or professional counseling.  We wish you well.

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