I’m married to a man whom I really love, but he has bad friends that interferes in our relationship. They have bad effects on him and make him far from me. They’re his relatives and it hurts him if I say bad things about them. they don’t do it obvious but in some invisible ways like inviting him to late parties and make him drunk). what should I do? signed, gaalaan, age 21
Dear gaalaan, Since you are both very young I am afraid that your husband’s relatives will continue to have a big influence over him until he grows up a bit. In between time I would suggest you do the following:
1. Have a meeting with him on a one to one basis and tell him what your fears are and how you perceive his behavior. Don’t put down his relatives at all. Just talk about his behavior and how it affects you.
2. Before you have this meeting read our article on Express and Own Your Feelings. Speak for yourself and talk about your concerns and your feelings when he goes out late and gets drunk. He is responsible for his choices – no one else so don’t blame others for his behavior.
3. Set a boundary for yourself. Decide what you can do if he does this behavior again that you will follow through on. It has to be like a consequence for his bad behavior. For example. If he goes out late and comes home drunk can you not be at the home or leave once he comes home and stay with a relative or friend for a day? Or can you not cook for him for a day. Or can you not provide he something you know he wants? The idea is to come up with a consequence if he continue to do this behavior after you explain to him how it hurts you.
Remember don’t put down his relatives at all. Don’t blame anyone but him for his behavior. Tell him how it hurts you and your marriage and then have a consequence if it continues.
Please understand you have free will. This advice is given only in the realm of personal growth and self-help. This is not to be considered a substitute for therapy or professional counseling. We wish you well.