Is an abusive relationship better than no relationship at all?

 I left an abusive relationship with my daughter’s father over 5 years ago. He has just re-entered her life, and I am suddenly wondering how I have lived alone for so long. Even though I know perfectly well he’s never going to change, or even want to. Am I nuts to wonder if any relationship is better than none? Somewhere in the back of my mind, I already know the answer to that, but it may help to hear someone else say it.
Thanks. Cynthia, age 29

Dear Cynthia: Thank your for your email.  You were very wise to leave an abusive relationship.  And yes you are correct when you stated he’s never going to change or even want to.  Men who abuse women need a lot of professional counseling before they can even begin to see the light.  Some never do even after counseling.  Here are some things I would like for you to consider.

1.  One of mankind’s greatest fears is that of being alone.  Most of us want an intimate relationship.  Loneliness is very painful and it can make us do things that we will regret later.  For instance going back to an abuser. Don’t let your feelings of loneliness lead you down that dangerous path.
You are better off being alone until you develop a stronger sense of self.

2.  Work on your self-esteem.  Read any and all books on the subject.  We have some great articles on our web site on self-esteem.  Please read them and follow some of the advice.  You can start with the self-esteem article and go from there.

3.  As you develop better self-esteem you will then attract a higher quality person.  The more you love and respect yourself the more others will find you attractive.  The more you love and respect yourself the more attractive you become.  Like attracts like.

4.  Make it your goal over the next 30 days to read and listen to books on tape about self-esteem and how to improve it.  Once you find a book you like and can learn from read or listen to it for 6 times during a 30 day period. Research has shown it takes that much repetition to get the information and to start feeling better.

5.  Are you experiencing any depression?  If so, please see your family doctor and ask for some help.  There are some great herbs and drugs out there that can help you through the loneliness and feelings of hopelessness.

Cynthia, don’t be hard on yourself for thinking your thoughts.  Accept them for what they are and then take action to get yourself to a better place. Action is necessary to keep from repeating past mistakes.  You can feel better and you will find the right man that will love and respect you as you
love and respect yourself.  I wish you all the best.


Please understand you have free will.  This advice is given only in the realm of personal growth and self-help. This is not to be considered a substitute for therapy or professional counseling.  We wish you well.

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