I had sex too soon and now I regret it
Dear Positive Way: My problem is that I had sex with a man I did not know. This occurred three months ago. I have been seeing him on a regular basis and we have become friends. We slept together a few times during the first three weeks of knowing each other. I deeply regret having slept with him, because I broke one of the principles I lived by; I do not sleep with someone if I am not in love with him. The other reason I regret it is because I like him and I would like to have a relationship with him. A couple of days ago I told him how I felt and he rejected me. He said he only wants to be friends. This, of course, hurts me but I accept it; however I am very confused because he calls several times a day or he drops by my work just to see me. We have never gone out on dates, there has never been any courtship. When I do not return his calls or when I try to stay away from him he calls even more. I want to know how to win his heart. Can you help? Signed, Regretful, age 19
Dear Regretful: Thank you for your email. No wonder you are confused with this man’s actions. He is acting as if he wants more than a friendship. First, I want you to forgive yourself for having sex before you wanted to. Go back to your principles, morals and values and don’t have sex with anyone unless you are in a committed relationship first. Set your boundaries and don’t allow someone to cross over them without a full commitment.
Here are some things I want you to consider:
1. Don’t have sex with this man any longer. If he wants to be friends don’t allow any physical contact other than what friends would do, like an occasional hug.
2. Let him pursue you. Don’t call him. Keep your conversations very short when he does call. Ask him to get to the point and let him know you have other plans (even if it is to wash your hair). Let him know you have a life and other interests.
3. If he wants to see you then tell him you will meet him in a public place for a cup of coffee or a meal.
Don’t try to force this relationship. Anything forced will prove to be extremely painful in the future. I understand your feelings of hurt and I don’t want you to experience more hurt by forcing a relationship that might not be meant to be.
This article on sex may also help you understand what you are feeling.
After you express and own your feelings then let them go. The ball is in his court. Let him lead the way
Please understand you have free will. This advice is given only in the realm of personal growth and self-help. This is not to be considered a substitute for therapy or professional counseling. We wish you well.