Husband or ex boyfriend? Which do I choose?
I’m married and I love my husband, but I’m not that happy right now, I also still love my ex too he knows it I told him, he’s engaged I think he’s my soulmate. Now my ex isn’t talking to me anymore. I want him back; I told my husband if things don’t change I’m leaving. I told my ex if things don’t work out on his end the door will be open if he wants another chance with me. He was gonna pop the question to me when we were together I just found that out 2 months ago, I never broke up with him when I met my husband so I know I hurt him bad. He said he doesn’t love me anymore but I feel he still loves me a little. He acted like he was glad I found him and he was surprised I still loved him. He said he didn’t forget me and he still thinks about the stuff we did. Should I contact him? I want to know if we have a chance if it doesn’t work out with me or him, and if he still loves me. Maybe he’s teasing me. I think about him daily. Help Me!! Signed, confused, age 32.
Dear Confused, I can understand your confusion. In some way it must feel good to have more than one man who might be in love with you. On the other hand it has to be difficult for you when you have trouble choosing between the man you married and committed to and an old boyfriend from your past who may or may not still have feelings for you. I’d like you to consider that the real issue for you right now and for your future love-life is not a question of “who” or “which man should I choose” but rather a question of what love and marriage really mean to you. My answer is “No, do not contact your ex boyfriend.” You need to take some time right now to understand who you are, what you want out of life, what love really means and to work on your marriage. Consider the following:
- We all are confused about love at some time in our lives. It is very complex and we just aren’t taught enough about it as we grow up. We have a great article on the site titled Five Myths that will give you some insights into what it takes to build a strong relationship. I’d also like you to take the time to read the articles on the Relationship Advice page. I think that several of these will help you clear your confusion.
- The foundation for choosing an ideal mate is based on self-understanding. Please use the Compatibility Guide. Don’t use it to choose between your husband and your ex boyfriend. Use it to start a conversation with yourself about who you are, what you want out of life, and what you can bring to any relationship. As you gain a better understanding of yourself you can better understand your relationships and the men you attract. You have the opportunity to Change and Grow for the better. I also recommend you read and study the section on self-esteem for further self understanding and self development.
- Consider that you have an obligation to yourself and the man you married to make an investment in making the marriage work. You have not yet invested enough to earn the right to walk away from this commitment. Being “…not that happy right now” is not enough reason to run off with another man. My concern is that you will “jump out of the frying pan right into the fire.” In addition to the articles I have already mentioned I suggest that you work on your marriage using Problem Solving methods, Problems What Can I Say, communication skills, How to Love and the principles in the Five Myths.
- Please consider getting marriage counseling with your husband to make sure that you and he give your marriage the chance that it deserves. Investing to make your marriage work is an investment not only in the marriage but also in your self-development. Ask your pastor, check the links on our links page and read your yellow pages to find counselors in your area. If you want a better relationship with your husband you have to invest in the relationship. You can change yourself, you and your husband can learn new relationship skills but you cannot fix the marriage by telling your husband to change. That’s not only unfair to him but it’s also unfair to you. Love and marriage take work as a partnership.
We wish you the best in your journey of self discovery and building better relationships.
Please understand you have free will. This advice is given only in the realm of personal growth and self-help. This is not to be considered a substitute for therapy or professional counseling. We wish you well.