Am I being used and how do I change the tone of the relationship

Am I being used and how do I change the tone of the relationship

I meet a very nice widower about 2 months ago, he is 12 years older than me and we had sex (in my opinion) way too early.  At first we saw each other every week, then it go down to every other and now, 2 or even 3 weeks go by before I see him.  We do live about 65 miles apart, but a drive once a week isn’t too much.  He doesn’t like to eat out and every time we plan to go out, we don’t end up going out, but always have sex.  I feel so used and stupid.  He has two children, is in graduate school and owns two businesses.  I’m not sure if he is just really busy or trying to give me the blow off.  He tells me that he cares for me a lot, but one time, I told him that I loved him and he never said it back.  I feel like I am just a ditz wasting my time, am I right?  How do I begin to change the tone of the relationship so he doesn’t treat me like some booty call? signed Tommy6880, age 26

Dear Tommy6880, You may be wasting your time and you up until now may have been used for sex and nothing else.  With that said it doesn’t mean you can’t  redefine the relationship.  Here are some things for you to consider.

1.  Stop having sex with this man for now.  Meet in public places where sex will be almost impossible.  Get to know each other without sex being in the way.

2.  Have an honest conversation with him and tell him you want more than a sexual relationship.  See our article Express and Own your Feelings which may give you some ideas on how to bring up the subject and express yourself.  Also read the Sex and Love article. 

3.  If you find he is not interested in anything more and that you have nothing else in common other than the sexual relationship then let this man go.  There are so many men in their 20’s and 30’s that are looking for a commitment with a woman like you and they would be more than willing to take the relationship to a more serious level.  Don’t waste any more time with a man that doesn’t.

4.  Make a commitment to yourself to not have sex so early in a relationship.  Get to know the person much better before you give yourself to them.  Sex is just sex to many men, however, for a woman it is much more and the emotional attachment takes over and that can make a man feel smothered and pressured.  If you postpone having sex and go for learning more about the person and the values and interests they have and if they match yours, then and only then should you consider a physical relationship.

Please read our article on Forgive and go Free and don’t beat yourself up for having sex too early with this man.  Learn from this and move on.  When you get the chance please read several of our relationship articles because their is valuable information in them that I feel will help guide you for future relationships.

Two people trying to build a loving and caring relationship from one that is troubled.

Please understand you have free will.  This advice is given only in the realm of personal growth and self-help. This is not to be considered a substitute for therapy or professional counseling.  We wish you well.

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