Abusive boyfriend but I love him
At this moment I’m feeling very upset at myself. I’m having relationship problems with my boyfriend. I can’t talk to him cause when he gets mad he gets abusive and I can’t leave him cause I’m in a stage where I love him and I don’t care what he does to me. I’ve said things that I shouldn’t have said to him. I want to know what can I do to make this relationship work. We fight too much over ridiculous stuff. He’s at me cause I’ve hurt emotionally but he’s hurt me physically. He only sees his point even though it’s true but he doesn’t see what he does. He’s very in denial about us and himself. I’ve tired telling him to quit smoking but he things it’s his of getting place in life. Please help. What can I do? signed, Nessie, age 18
Dear Nessie, You are the one that is in denial! Love does not hurt. Please read our article on Does love have to hurt and the Five Myths of Love . There is never a good reason for physically abusing someone no matter how much that person has been hurt emotionally. Physical abuse is a sign of much deeper seated problems on your boyfriend’s part and you need to wake up and take notice. You are in denial over all of this and it is only going to get worse. You cannot change or fix another person. Please read our articles Get off the Merry Go Round and Change and Grow . Here are some things for you to consider.
1. If you had a higher level of self-esteem you would not tolerate any type of physical abuse. With that said, you can start working on your self-esteem so you can become stronger and more capable of setting boundaries for yourself and your relationships. Please read our articles on self-esteem.
2. What are you doing to hurt him emotionally? Why would you consciously hurt anyone emotionally? We cannot control someone else’s feelings. You can’t prevent your boyfriend from feeling hurt. He is 100 percent responsible for how he feels and he reacts. You are 100 percent responsible for how you feel and you act.
3. When a relationship early on has any type of abuse statistics show it will only get worse not better over time without serious professional counseling. You could ask your minister, doctor, or social services for a referral along this line.
My advice is to get out of the relationship for now and get some counseling for yourself and ask your boyfriend to get some counseling for himself also. Love is not enough to help this relationship. It needs professional help and advice. Please get that as soon as possible. Don’t disrespect yourself any longer by tolerating abuse. You deserve better.
Please understand you have free will. This advice is given only in the realm of personal growth and self-help. This is not to be considered a substitute for therapy or professional counseling. We wish you well.