Should I have a baby?
My boyfriend and I have been dating seriously for almost 1 1/2 yrs. At first, I wanted to have a baby, now, because I feel older, have some physical problems and I feel I do not have the patience for a baby. I already have 2 teens that are almost on their way to college. I feel like a new life is ahead of me and look forward to the change. My boyfriend who I love dearly, wants a baby with me. No one else but me. He tells me if I don’t want a baby he cannot deal with it unless I am physically unable to have one. He has given me ultimatums before about this issue and threatened to break-up with me. I love him so much, I have been sick of the thought of not spending my life with him. I am going to counseling (at his expense) to help me with this, but I am confused. He says he loves me very much, yet if I don’t have his baby, he can’t deal with me. I am so confused. Help! We were engaged in Feb. then broke off the engagement in July of this year. I am very afraid I would resent him and the baby if I had one. Should I break up with him???? This is killing me. I hate it, I am so desperate. Did he really love me. Right now we are not communicating. Help! Mary (age 39)
Dear Mary, thank you for your email. I can understand your turmoil over this situation with your boyfriend. You must be feeling sick and emotionally drained going through this. I am so glad you are getting some counseling. I can certainly understand your confusion over this whole ordeal. Here are a few things I would like for you to consider:
1. Please do not have a baby just because your boyfriend wants it. That is the wrong reason to bring a child into this world. You and you alone should make this decision for yourself not for the boyfriend. Let’s face it you have already had your children and they are ready to move on with college. I agree with you that a new life is ahead for you and the change will be good and positive.
2. I don’t feel your boyfriend understands the full meaning of love. True Love does not put demands on the relationship. True love does not give ultimatums. True love does not threaten a breakup of the relationship.
3. Good communication is necessary for sustaining a lasting, loving relationship. If communication has broke down because you won’t give in to the demands of your boyfriend then this is a big warning sign to you and what lies ahead for this relationship. Danger. It is better to settle this now instead of you agreeing to something that will prove to be a problem in
Mary, please read any of the self-help books on self-esteem. Also check out our self-esteem articles. This issue is more about self-respect and self-esteem than you might realize. If you really felt good about yourself you wouldn’t have such grief over sticking to your decision – to not have a baby. You would realize that you have the right to live your life the way you want to live. You would not allow yourself to be under the control of another human being. Mary, you could try the following:
1. Have a meeting with your boyfriend and tell him again that you do not want a baby. Let him you know you love him but you are not willing to sacrifice yourself and your needs for the sake of the relationship. The relationship will never survive under those conditions. Read the article on Expressing and Owning Your Feelings before you have your talk.
2. Continue your counseling and start working on developing your self-esteem. As you feel better about yourself it will be easier to let go of your boyfriend.
3. Don’t force this relationship. Research shows anytime your force a relationship to work it always fails and the damage is sometimes un-repairable.
4. Feel the fear and let your boyfriend go. Yes it will be hard. Yes it will hurt. Yes you will be alone for a while. But in the long run as you work on your self-esteem it will be your road to feeling better and finding a healthier relationship.
Please understand you have free will. This advice is given only in the realm of personal growth and self-help. This is not to be considered a substitute for therapy or professional counseling. We wish you well.