Online Dating Problems

I went online to the dating service where we met.

Dear Positive Way,  My boyfriend is upset with me because I went online to the dating service where we met and I looked up his profile. While on line I noticed he was online so I sent an instant message teasing him about being on the dating site and reminding him he is in a committed relationship now. I received a response from a friend of his who was using his computer. It was so unexpected I signed off and immediately phoned him. I told him I had done something silly and proceeded to tell him the story. He could not get past the fact that I was on the site. I tried to explain that I was just there to look him up. We live practically on opposite sides of the country and we get to talk once a day or maybe on weekends a bit more. I miss him and I admit I am somewhat insecure. He proceeds to tell me that he has taken everything I have told him thus far about myself as true on faith. For instance I am a 45 yr old virgin and obviously never married and I am a temporary foster parent to my great nephew who is 5 months old. He is now calling into question my honesty about everything? I believe that he is over-reacting. However, I have had time to think and I realize that if it were the other way around and he had called me with the same story I would have given pause too. I would be hurt and jealous and feeling insecure.

What can I do to make it up to him. How can I communicate my regret effectively. How do we move forward?  At present he asked for time to “digest” it and he will call me later.
I am so sorry that I my actions caused him pain and I do not want to lose our relationship because of it.
signed, duchess, age 45

Dear Duchess:   You are in a difficult position because you and only you know what your intent was when you went back on the dating service site.  He was also on the site (it was probably him and not a friend).  He and only he knows what his intent was in doing so.  Here’s the problem.  Can you ever trust anyone that is only communicating by way of a dating site or over the phone?  You both are missing a huge part of real communication and that is body language.  Up to 93% or our communication is through body language and this is missing in your relationship.  Neither one of you has proof of honesty or sincerity.  It is all about naively believing what someone tells you without seeing the “white of their eyes” so to speak.  Here are some things for you to consider:

1.  This may be a sign that the two of you have trust issues and that neither one of you really trust the other.  Relationships cannot be formed securely when there are issues of trust especially early on.

2.  You both need to be cautious here.  Neither one of you has the facts about each other and you only have words that may not be true overall.  Long distance relationships like you are describing are set up for failure.  Too much is missing in the way of good communication and that usually ends in a relationship not working.

3.  Why not try out a dating site that has an in-depth personality and compatibility evaluation that will allow you to find someone that is much more compatible and that is closer to you and your home so that you can meet each other in person to really read each other’s body language and see for yourself if you sense the truth while being face to face.  

4.  If you have this man’s mailing address then you could write a letter of apology and express that you understand his feelings and that you will honor his decision however that you do not want to lose the relationship because of it.  All you can do is offer a sincere apology without trying to justify or explain your way through it.  Seeing things through his eyes and empathizing is a good response.

5.  Don’t try to force this relationship.  Anything forced will not work out in the long run.  Send your letter of apology and then leave the rest in his court.  Let him have time to “digest” it all but don’t put your life on hold while he does.  Reevaluate what is really important to you and necessary for maintaining a long term relationship.  Please read all of our information for single and looking on our site. 

If this relationship does not work out then learn from it and move forward.  There are life lessons in this experience and instead of having any regrets just learn from it and then move forward.   

Work on your self-esteem and try building it up one small step at a time.  Please read and practice some of the suggestions we have for self-esteem building.  As you become more confident you will draw someone that is more suited for you in the long run.