My boyfriend has had

My boyfriend has had too many sex partners

My current boyfriend and I have been together for a year and 1/2. I questioned him about his past sex life before we became intimate and he assured me that he didn’t have unprotected sex with anyone and even told me the number of women he was with. Last week he let it slip that he had a 3 month relationship with another woman 15 years his senior 6 months before we got together (He had a hard job remembering her name) and that they did sleep together.  Also, approximately about the third or fourth time we slept together, he brought out this vibrator kit and wanted to use it with me. I asked him where he came up with that and he told me he bought it for a friends wedding as a gag gift and then thought better about giving it to him. I asked if he’d used the stuff with anyone else before me and he said no, not at all.  Later I found out That he did indeed buy it when he was with his last live in girlfriend and they u ed the vibrator.   I felt totally betrayed and frightened. I asked him to get checked for STDs and he readily agreed to that.  (Everything came back negative thank God), and he’s promised to keep everything honest from that point on, however, I can’t seem to get this stuff out of my head. I wanted to be with this guy forever, but am I being completely foolish??  Or should I give him a chance to prove that he can indeed be straight with me?  Signed, Am I being Foolish

Dear Am I being Foolish: Thank you for your email.  I can understand why you would feel betrayed and frightened over the disclosure of more partners than your boyfriend had remembered in the past. You were right to have him get checked for STDs and I am glad they were negative. There are a few things I would like for you to consider.

1. Your boyfriend should have been straight with you from the start.  You should not have to give him a chance to prove that he can indeed be straight with you.  He started out not being truthful with you and I feel this is a big warning sign.  You need to take notice and understand there could be a big difference between your principles and values.  He obviously feels he can lie and hope to get away with it.  This is not a good sign.

2.  He needs to earn back your trust and respect.  This may take some time but he has to accept the consequences for lying to you in the first place. When we catch people in a lie it is very hard to believe them in the future. I am afraid you will continue to have doubts about him telling the truth.

3.  Has he lied to you about other things?  Honesty is necessary for a lasting, loving relationship.  Without honesty there is no real foundation for a healthy relationship.  Please search your soul and listen to your inner voice.  Do you trust this man completely?  If not it is time to reconsider the relationship.  It is better to end a relationship now instead of hanging on for another year and a half and find out that there are more lies.

4.  Sit down with your boyfriend and tell him how you feel.  Own your feelings.  Let him know how important honesty is to your relationship.  You have been betrayed in a sense and you need to express these feelings with him.  If you haven’t already, please check out the article on our web sitetitled Expressing and Owning Your Feelings .  Also check out the article on Forgiveness . I think you will find these articles helpful before talking with your boyfriend.

Please understand you have free will.  This advice is given only in the realm of personal growth and self-help. This is not to be considered a substitute for therapy or professional counseling.  We wish you well.

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