I want children and he doesn’t.

I want children and he doesn’t.

Dear Positive Way: I have been living with a man for 9 years. We are very compatible in our music and art tastes and so on. But recently I’ve been wanting to start a family and he didn’t. He came around to the idea of one child. But I want more and also I don’t think he’d be an involved father as he ‘can’t stand noise’. Also I have wanted to get married. But he doesn’t see the necessity of it, even after I explained my motivation. In fact he never seems to remember the times I’ve said I wanted kids or to get married or our discussions about needing clear goals in our lives. although he clearly loves me, I feel that his commitment level  is not as strong as mine. We also have had very little sex in the last few years, naturally making it harder for me to conceive. I have recently left him. I’m not sure yet if it is temporary or permanent. I’m very lonely and want him back, but only if he becomes stronger as a man and commits properly and if our sex lives improve.   Signed, very confused, age 32

Dear Confused: Thank you for your email.  I can understand your hurt, confusion, and loneliness over this situation.  Here are some things I would like for you to consider.

1. You cannot change this man.  He has made it clear what he wants and how he feels.  You were wise to let him go.

2.  Find someone that shares your morals, principles and values.  That is what holds a relationship together.  Common interest such as art and music is nice but it does not make for a lasting, loving relationship.  It is the morals, principles and values that you must have in common to have a good
healthy relationship.

3.  Feel the loss of the relationship.  You are going through a mourning process.  Don’t try to suppress these feelings.  Feel them and then you can move on.

4.  Don’t take someone back just because you are feeling lonely.  Of course you will feel lonely after breaking up with someone you’ve been with for 9 years.  Loneliness, however is not a good reason to get back into a relationship that will not give you what you need or desire.

5.  Get out and meet people.  Get involved with a Church group, see a counselor, socialize with people at work.  Do whatever you have to do to get out of the house and feel the void of loneliness.

6.  Work on developing your self-esteem.  When you are happy with yourself it is easier to be alone.  Please read anything you can on self-esteem and how to improve it.  Please see our articles on our web site starting with Self-esteem – What is it?  We have a lot of information that I feel you will find helpful.

7.  As you work on your self-esteem and stick to your morals, principles and values you will attract the right person for you.  The more you love and respect yourself the easier it is for others to love and respect you.

Don’t try to force a relationship that is not meant to be.  Your ex-boyfriend is not your ideal mate.  He does not share you desires in life. Move on and you will find what you are looking for.  Keep working on your self-love.  I wish you all the best.


Please understand you have free will.  This advice is given only in the realm of personal growth and self-help. This is not to be considered a substitute for therapy or professional counseling.  We wish you well.

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