Get off the Merry Go Round
and create positive changes in your relationships.
In order for a change to occur in a relationship someone needs to get off the merry go round. If you and your mate continue to fight and rarely solve the problems or resolve the conflicts then it’s time one of you gets off the merry go round.
A common finding with couples who can’t communicate or solve their problems is that they think or feel that it’s the other person who can’t communicate not them. It’s the other person that has the problem and they continue to think “I’m right and you’re wrong.”
There are many “right ways” of thinking and feeling. There are several ways to do the same thing and they can all be good and right. If you want to improve your relationship then get off the merry go round and start a new day of positive loving open communication and problem solving by practicing the following:
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Be responsible. No one can make us feel anything. We are totally responsible for our own thoughts and feelings. Learn to be less reactive to the emotional state of your partner. Understand that they are responsible for their feelings, so you don’t have to react the way they are choosing to act. You can choose not to play the same old game or act in the same old way. Choose instead to try to understand and validate your partner’s feelings. Be the example of not over reacting. Review what you might be doing to contribute to the problem and then work on fixing it not your partner.
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Apologize. A sincere apology goes a long way in a relationship. Admit that you are part of the problem and say you are sorry. Affirm that you will start right now releasing your belief that you are always right and your partner is always wrong. Let go of that belief.
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Say “Thank you”! Use common courtesy words like please and thank you often. When we treat our partners with courtesy on a regular basis he/she will respond in a positive way. Be consistent with your courtesies.
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Lighten up. Do something with your partner that you both find fun and enjoyable. Reminisce about the days when you first met and remember the good feelings you’ve shared with your partner.
Tell your partner at least three (3) things you really like about them. Keep this practice up and sooner than later your partner will reciprocate.
Remember: Learning anything new may seem awkward and contrived at first. Practice makes things comfortable and second nature. It’s okay to feel self conscious at first trying these new behaviors. Continue using and practicing them until they become a habit. We all think our views make sense and that our complaints are reasonable and valid. Always wait until you can see things from your partner’s perspective before you tell them your thoughts and feelings. Saying something like the following to your partner helps: “Seeing things from your eyes I can understand why you feel the way you do”. This statement alone validates your partner’s feelings. It doesn’t mean you are agreeing with them it just validates their feelings. All of us want and need our feelings validated. Try it! It works!
NOTE: Many times when we have a difficult time in our relationships there is some overlooked forgiveness that needs to take place in order for us to move forward and feel better about ourselves.
“Our minds become magnetized with the dominating thoughts we hold in our minds and
these magnets attract to us the forces, the people, the circumstances of life which harmonize
with the nature of our dominating thoughts.” Napoleon Hill
See the NAME Statement that will show you how to express your feelings in a positive way. Don’t sweep your feelings under the rug until there’s no room for you in the relationship or you feel so angry or frustrated that you don’t know what to say without being upset. When that happens, the warning signs are probably all too common. Using the NAME Statement, you can own your feelings and talk about them with your partner to help build a better relationship…and avoid the warning signs.
Caution: If you even suspect you are in an abusive relationship, it’s time to get professional help. Talk to your pastor or call the help or crisis hotline in your phone book for a referral to competent and caring professionals who will help you. The National Domestic Violence Hotline is 1-800-799-7233. They will give you the advice and support that you need. Don’t wait.