What the scores mean:
10 to 20 total points: Hello there! If you’re a “perfect 10” check for a pulse in your relationship. Is there any life in there? Maybe you are able to talk about the difficult and important things very well, but if you’re not talking, you don’t have much of a relationship. It really does take a little spice to keep any relationship alive. Up to 20, you probably have created a balance that allows each of you to express yourselves in a positive and constructive way. You have a relationship that is all too rare these days. Cherish what you have and remember to keep right on talking and solving those problems before they get in the way of your growth. Communication like this keeps friendships alive and flowers on your pillow. Romantic passion finds more room in hearts that aren’t full of anger and frustration.
21-34 total points: We all want a little excitement in our lives but this is dangerous territory. If your score is at the high end, you may be heading into long term trouble. It may be fun and hot to make-up but be aware that if your words are harsh and mean spirited, they can wound like a knife to the heart…forever. One mean word usually draws another like angry bees swarming. You have a choice not to sting. Change the course of you fights by seeking to understand your partner rather than just defending your position. Understanding is powerful even when you don’t agree. We all feel better and safer when we are understood. The majority of problems don’t even need to be solved…we just want to know that our partner cares enough to listen and understand.
35 – 50 total points: Nobody wins these ongoing fights. You have to change before someone gets hurt any more. Maybe you’re fighting because it’s the only thing you know how to do or maybe it’s the only time you get any attention. Even at that, you probably still feel lonely and trapped. It’s time for you to get help from a counselor, therapist or other professional or get out.
Abuse, either verbal or physical by any party is unacceptable. If you think you might be in an abusive relationship, please get help immediately. Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 right away. They will give you confidential assistance.
Please note that this is not intended to be a scientific instrument but rather an indicator. We recommend that you think about the outcome and use your best judgment of how to use the information.
Here are some guidelines for fighting fair…
The Positive Way
The “Fighting Fair Evaluation Guide” and the “Guidelines for Fighting Fair” are adapted from the book Talk to Me: How to Create Positive, Loving Communication by Steven & Catherine Martin.
