Dual military and wife wants divorce

Dear Positive Way, I am currently in a dual-military marriage.  My wife and I are in different units in the Army.  She left for Iraq in October 05 and I went off to Afghanistan in Feb. 06.  Now she is back after a year and tells me she wants a divorce.  I am still deployed so I can’t work to solve any of our problems; I’m too far away.  It was a complete shock.  I can’t think of any positive memory that doesn’t involve my wife.  I can’t go and talk to anyone because I outrank almost all of them, and that’s not appropriate.  I want to get back together with my wife and that is all I want.  I don’t think I will ever love another woman like I love her. signed, buttocks, age 26

Dear buttocks,  I can understand your shock and disappointment over this matter.  There is enough stress in what you do without having this personal family issue to deal with at this time.  Both you and your wife are and have been under tremendous stress serving in the military and that alone can put unexpected stress on all other areas of your life especially the marital relationship.  With that said I have some suggestions and some advice for you to consider:

1.  Write your wife a letter stating something along this line:  I love you and do not want a divorce.  I understand we have both been under a lot of stress and our relationship has not been on the front burner and things have been very difficult for both of us.  I will not give up on us or our relationship and I want to do what it takes to make our marriage work.  I want us to turn over every stone to try to make this marriage work before I will even consider a divorce.  You are the love of my life and I now know that love is not enough to sustain a marriage and lasting partnership.  I am willing to do my part in making our marriage work.

2.  Don’t give up on your marriage just because your wife says she wants a divorce.  Make a commitment no matter how far apart you are at this time to not grant her a divorce without the both of you getting the proper counseling and doing the work needed to work through all of the issues that your wife feels contributed to her wanting a divorce.  Tell her that you will do your part in trying to resolve any issues that she has in reference to you and the relationship in general.  Tell her you will not give up that easily on her or the relationship.

3. Read and study all of the couples information we have on our website.   All of our information is researched based and you should educate yourself on the things that can cause a relationship to end and what you can do to help yourself and your relationship overall.

4.  If you have access to a military chaplain talk to them and they will have some information that can help.  It is always good to have someone’s ear during this time.  Consider contacting the chaplain by email if you need to.

Please understand you have free will.  This advice is given only in the realm of personal growth and self-help. This is not to be considered a substitute for therapy or professional counseling.  We wish you well.