Couple’s Guide to Communication

Couple’s Guide to

by John Gottman, Cliff Notarius, Jonni
Gonso, Howard Markman

The following are excerpts
from the above titled book and a book that we highly recommend for all

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country’s Foremost Relationship Expert

12 Hours to a Great Marriage: A Step-by-Step Guide for Making Love Last

Chapter 1 – Listening and


A Couple’s Guide to Communication Good communication means having the impact you intended to have, that is Intent equals Impact.In other words, good communication between intimates is
clear and precise.  The speaker tries to clarify the intent of his
message by stating exactly what he is thinking, wanting, or feeling.
He does not assume the listener “knows” what is going on in his head; he
tells the listener so that the listener doesn’t have to guess or mind read.
The good listener tries to make sure that the intent of the message is
understood, and does not fill in gaps with guesses as to what is going on in
the speakers mind.  both partners are trying to make sure that Intent
equals Impact.

In any particular discussion
with your spouse you need to find out why communicationdid not occur.  The
only way to do that is to get Feedback.  Feedback is what happens when
the listener tells the speaker about the impact a message had.  But you
have to ask for feedback.  Only when you know the impact that the
message actually had and compare it to your intent can you find out where
miscommunication occurred.  Unfortunately, most of us live in a
feedback vacuum.  We rarely get or ask for feedback; we simply always
assume that Intent equaled Impact, and this assumption leads to hurt
feelings, confusion, or a variety of other communication pitfalls.  The
first step in requesting feedback is to call a Stop Action.  A Stop
Action is a request you make for you and your spouse to talk over how you
are feeling and to check Intents and Impacts.  A Stop Action can break
a long cycle of miscommunication in which Intents do not match Impacts.
In this way you can prevent a conversation from running away from you when
you don’t know why things are getting out of hand.

Messages – It is important for
you to realize that all messages have two components:  a Content
component, which is the printed word meaning of the message, and a
component, which is how the content is delivered.  What are
the feelings you hear behind the content of the message?

The Summarizing Self
– A problem seen repeatedly with couples is that each person
continues restating his or her own position.  It’s as if they each
think “If only she/he would see how logical my point is and how much sense
it makes to see things the way I see them, we wouldn’t have any problems.”
Each person is so sure they are right that they both think it’s a waste of
time to try to hear and understand the other person’s viewpoint.
“What’s the use of listening to that old, stupid, wrong, idiotic, pigheaded,
stubborn point of view my spouse has?”  An so neither person really
listens.  They both just restate again and again.  And they both
feel frustrated, not listened to, not respected, put down, and lonely.

Some early stages of the Self
Syndrome are:

  1. Both feel hurt and not
    listened to

  2. Neither feels that the other
    sees their point of view

  3. Conversation keeps seeming
    to drift “Off Beam” – Sometime the problems, needs, and wishes that you
    have seem to tangle up like one big know so that when you are discussing
    one problem area with each other, you deep drifting into other problem
    areas.  Instead of resolving any of the problems, you just get more
    and more tired and frustrated.

  4. Can’t seem to stay on a
    topic long enough to solve it

  5. “Mind reading” -= As we get
    to know another person very well, we often act as if we can “read the
    other person’s mind.”  This habit can lead to a great deal of
    miscommunication where Intent does not equal Impact. Mind reading occurs
    whenever one person assumes what another person is either feeling or
    thinking without asking.

  6. “Kitchen sinking”
    – This term means that each discussion of one issue eventually winds up
    dragging in everything but the kitchen sink.  The discussion starts
    on one issue and, before there is a chance to explore that issue, one
    partner or the other drags in other gripes that may or may not be related.
    Pretty soon both people get the feeling that they have to deal with all of
    the issues at once, and the problem seems like a tangled knot, impossible
    to solve.

Ending the Summarizing Self
Syndrome – You start the Check-out and Paraphrase method.  This skill
involves several steps:

  1. Call a Stop Action:
    all discussion stops and you talk about the discussion itself.

  2. Feedback:  Ask for
    feedback on your impacts.  When giving feedback, make it clear,
    brief, specific, and on topic.  You are giving information to make
    things, better, not resentments to get even.

  3. Listen to feedback:
    What is the content?  What is the feeling?

  4. Summarize and validate:
    Paraphrase, in your own words, both content and feeling.  Without
    Validation, this will be meaningless.  You must get into your
    partner’s shoes and see how reasonable it is for your spouse to feel this
    way.  And communicate this reasonableness.  This is very hard to
    do, especially when you yourself feel hurt or not listened to.  But
    you must do it.

  5. Check Impact:  Chick it
    with Intent, and discuss the discrepancy if one exists.

We cannot emphasize too
greatly the importance of Validation.  Validation means that
you communicate to your spouse that, if you were seeing things his or her
way, standing on his or her platform, with his or her assumptions about
things, then it would make sense and be reasonable to feel that way.
You are not saying “I agree with you,” or “You’re right, and I’m wrong.”
You are just admitting the possibility that another point of view may make
sense, given some assumption which you may not share with your spouse.
Psychologists are use to the possibility that two seemingly different
views or theories can both be right.

For Validation you must
assume, as a working hypothesis, that your spouse’s views and feelings
make sense if you can see them from his or her perspective.  We
cannot overemphasize the importance of genuine Validation (even in part).
Summary without Validation will do nothing.  In addition, Validation
has a practical advantage.  We have found that spouses often just
want to feel that they have an important view point, that what they say is
important.  by acknowledging an alternative viewpoint, your spouse
will be more willing and pleased to work on a successful resolution of the